Next In Line

Now that there’s a sense of stability in my life I get to thinking what will happen next, feelings of what’s next in line. Will there be a job or career change? Is it time to settle down to domestic bliss? I have these questions front and center as I can see it completely clear. I can see myself sticking to my writing career, blogging more, create more magic and have the domestic bliss all at once without the stress and pressures unlike before my homelessness. I was drained, dragged down from unwanted pressures from others around me before. You need to do this. You should be thinking of the future. You’re not doing as I tell you. I’m giving you solicited advice but your not listening to me. Your not prioritizing what needs to be done. “Well, for one you’re more so telling me what to do rather than supporting, helping me with what I need the help in”, I’ve said to those individuals. I’ve set more boundaries and I need for them to respect my boundaries. Those who were much more supportive of my situational issues were front and center helping all they can and could do. I felt much more content not the egg shell walking feeling. I pick up on vibes people convey, act and do rather than just talking.

Here I am now after the unwanted pressures have been lifted, my heart is feeling happy beating with a smile. I feel it, that warm fuzzy feeling. I’m so corny. hahahaha

I have most recently spent time with a relative and his family. I’ve missed family time a great deal over the past 4 years. With it now is a reminder how much I need and want more family time. I love my family if their in my life or not. It’s their choice. I still love them even though they may think otherwise. The holidays have changed drastically in the past few years alone. I want to cry sometimes when I think of all these changes. Not having mom and dad, our traditions and non traditions hit a nerve. I just cry or at least lately have suppressed it causing my depression to bounce around. I’ve been covering it up with my sarcastic attitude. I’m not as talkative either when it occurs. I’m quite the chatty person considering I’m still a true introvert at heart.

I want a family of my own badly. I’ve discussed it with only a few people closest to me. They want it for me too. I feel their support, their encouraging nature. They tell me it is a full time job being a house wife/mother. I’m finally ready for it now. I have the experience. It could very well happen in the next couple of years. Settling down! Me! Never thought about it especially after the abuse. The length of time after was and seemed extremely long. I was emotionally scarred. My heart damaged. Triggers had a way to happen often. 3 years now later the flashbacks become less and less though they do occur, I’m able to notice it much more. Every now and then I remind my significant other of the scars I live with. He sure takes his time with me even at times I drive him crazy. Knowing ourselves has made our relationship stronger. You certainly won’t hear much of him let alone his name as I remain to keep my private life private. I may be an open book there are instances though that aren’t spoken of. I’ll let my writing speak for itself for what’s to come next.