The Struggle Between The Heart And Mind

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Monday 11/19/2018

I’m struggling, fighting between my heart and mind. It has been so difficult, frustrating and irritating at the same time. There are days I just fight back and forth with it,  it exhausts and drains me to the point of not wanting to leave the house, curl up in a ball and cry. The lack of motivation sets in then nothing gets done. Temptations start to call on me, “Shellie, he says. I have you, you can’t hide. I’m in your dreams, inside every morsel of your mind. I’m controlling it not you. You can’t get away from it.” Those are the terrifying moments I have when he pulls on me mentally. He knows of the life events of these past two years. I actually feel it physically when it comes on. Truth is, it does emotionally just as much. I don’t have it all together and I’m not perfect, and never will be. The fact is I’m struggling so much with it. My heart has given me hope though and someone who’s been so supportive through all I’ve been going through. I’m grateful for this person although work schedules get in the way of our chats from time to time. It’s the endless days of quiet that sometimes get to me, it just gives me more time to think. Sometimes I wish there was an off switch to my brain. I work on myself and try to balance it out. Unplugging from social media when it’s needed gives me the extra boost I need for my mind and body. Taking time for myself, well, it will always be a work in progress whether it’s mentally, physically or emotionally. I’m learning not to take on more than I should as I have the tendency to. It has caused me to get ill. My mind, my heart just go back and forth, and I try to shake it off. Some days are better than others. That is why I’m writing this testimony today.