As of lately going through the writing, editing and proof reading of re mastered versions of the first book of the series The Poetry Diaries including the work with the second have found myself reliving it all which has put quite a strain on my mental and emotional well being. Living with major depression, GAD ( generalized anxiety disorder) high functioning and PTSD is enough but when it interferes with the writing process I’m open to those vulnerabilities and memories. It is quite a lot to handle for a person. It just shows I’m real, tried and true to who I am. The focus on my work has been all that I’ve been thinking of not even thinking of myself, it is everyone around me who have pulled on my heart strings I’m unable to void. The symptoms had a hit on me which was then a reminder to pull back some putting my writing away for a while and just let it be. Taking care of myself was a priority. I made it a point to have some enjoyment, a reminder to have fun and did. Laced up my hiking, walking shoes and off I went to a couple of park locations to take in the sights, breathe in the fresh air, to have that alone time with God, the present moment and just live. Though having several people on my mind began to pray for them as I work through my me time. Here on earth it’s important to check in with those who fill you’re mind with thoughts letting them know you’re praying for them. Working on catching up with a few others as well. They are few and far between but non of the less their always on my heart and mind.
When the symptoms began I felt the gnawing feeling bubbling to the surface on the left rib side. The pain is a level 8. I have low pain tolerance so when I experience any form of stomach pain I feel it hard. My sleeping habits were of constant sleep. Some mornings were difficult to get up to start the day. Getting up at 10:30 verses 9 to 9:30 am when I usually arise. I wanted to nap through the day but would force myself to stay up even though feeling lethargic. My concentration jumbled. I couldn’t keep my mind on just one thing. It was going in all directions. There were a few days out of the week felt the urge of panic come across. Nipped that in the bud catching it at the right time. Phew! There hard to push through. “Inhale, exhale Shellie, take a huge breath”, I’d tell myself. Does the trick every time. I’ve learned over my times in counseling treatments and therapy how to handle such things, though at times will forget as well. Been listening to several music both Christian, pop and rock to soul. My list is of several genre’s. Music runs through my veins and truly enjoyable, as much as watching a good movie. It’s been nice sitting in a movie theater again.
The time away from my writing lifted the pressures of mental and emotional strain. It was a check in time with all aspects of me, even though saying this sounds conceited and selfish. I’m nothing of the sorts. I’d much rather spend time around with others and enjoy that time socially speaking. I like my alone time as well. I’m bit of a loner.
What may be selfish to some, the all me attitude isn’t me. I’m the last person to think of herself. I’d much rather know how everyone else is feeling and doing.Shellie Palmer
Writing these books is a look into my life and journey, the path I’ve taken to this point and time. Yes, it does interfere with my every day to day. This is just the way it is. Knowing someone else can relate and take something away from it makes it all that much more worth it. I write not only for myself I’m writing for you those who need someone on the other end to understand.