The very moment when you seen that life has thrown all these curve balls at you, you get to thinking of wanting to give up, then it turns to sadness, grief, anger and frustration. For one minute of that time not once are you thinking of peace or love it’s doom and gloom. The why me’s? What if I can change how I feel? Why is this happening to me? I’m not seeing any progress, what can I do to better myself? All of these questions will and do pop up in a woman’s life through great transitions. Life changes, there are hardships and struggle to endure, self acceptance, self love, self worth are tested. From the time we are young girls we look to our mother’s and grandmothers as role models. They teach us values, we see them as strong independent women who’ve made us feel beautiful. They don’t judge, they love, give love, show love, compassion, tenderness and comfort. Their the foundation in our growth.
As a young bright eyed girl I never thought of myself as beautiful, both my mother and grandmother’s knew I was special, beautiful in my own way. I was the girl who loved creating my own entertainment, singing and dancing and just being a girl who played dress up and modeled for my grandma’s. I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up simply because I didn’t need it. Yes, I had barbie dolls, a little kitchen play set, doll babies, a cabbage patch doll with real hair. My imagination had gotten me into trouble at times leaving my barbie dolls outside with their naked limbs in the yard, I used my kitchen play set as an easel, wanting to play hair designer cutting my cabbage patch dolls hair into a complete catastrophe. I was more tomboy than a girl or at least I thought I was until I discovered make up because a cousin of mine began wearing make-up. Bad influence. Mom was furious and with good reason. The moment she saw me with lip stick she knew what would come next. My walls were covered in lip stick, my pillow case and blankets even. At the age of 12 I saw my very first female idol Cyndi Lauper. I wanted to be her. I wore the scrunchies, high hair which all the girls in the 80’s did. I began to wear mismatched clothes. My mother didn’t like it one bit yet had no control either since I was a preteen learning growing into a teenager. I had severe acne, quite overweight for my shape and size and developing. I developed earlier than most girls which caused self esteem issues. I didn’t love myself, I lacked in self confidence. I didn’t identify myself as beautiful until much later in life. I learned on my own to accept myself as different. I bloomed and once I did there were a few guys who took interest in me regardless how I looked on the outside making me feel beautiful.
It wasn’t until an online encounter changed every bit of me, internally which people don’t see. Narcissist abuse is emotional, mental abuse. The scars and bruises are for unseen. I lost every bit of who I am and what I am. What did happen though after all no contact ended, rounds of private therapy, group therapy and counseling my way of living changed, I changed learning to find myself. I was Alice looking through the glass. Where is me? Who am I? Why did this happen to me? I remained to blame myself when it wasn’t me to blame. It was him, he knew what he was doing and how to do it. It was in fact a mind game, gas lighting as I came to research narcissist abuse. In time and plenty of it, it has taken over a year now to get where I’m at.
Self excepting myself began after treating my own self. Nature became my therapy. It opened me helping me find peace within. Writing again became true joy and happiness yet there was still something missing and that was love. How was I going to love myself again. I knew of those who love me and it was few. They are my compass. The map. Shimmer Sparkle Shine Project out of Utah found a way into my life. The first experience writing a guest blog opened me completely, and I didn’t need a man to be happy. It later on found me.
You are beautiful ladies, there’s a spark within you. It only takes time for you for the self love, self acceptance and self worth you possess to shine.
Learn and get to know more on Shimmer Sparkle Shine Project here