In time, it took days even months to finding a sense of joy and happiness in my life since the abuse. Learning new ways to love myself, putting myself first and taking the time to discover a new way of life and living. It’s not an easy task. Many women who I have become to know from private groups as well Twitter still remain to find joy and happiness in their lives. It takes months even years to find it. Joy comes from a place within your heart, and once the heart is removed from the body healing seems impossible. The heart is an organ, once it stops beating even for a mere second the body shuts down. It’s a surviving mechanism and pulling yourself through survival is a daunting task, quite the challenge. How can we even find,search or look for joy and happiness when the heart is removed from the body? You don’t. The loss of self worth, self esteem and self love are gone and to find it is no where in sight. You’re not sure who to turn to or count on, and I didn’t at first. It comes in time who you can turn to and count on because trust is gone, you don’t know who you can trust let alone love because we’re not loving ourselves. That is what us women go through regardless of what form of abuse it is. You can see the scars from domestic and physical abuse, you don’t see it from an external point in the form of mental, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. The scars the bruises are internal from all organs. So how do we find joy and happiness?
The moment I began to forgive the abuser was the first step, the treatments, the time for myself, time to feel the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. Sitting in the discomfort felt like an elephant sitting on top of my chest. I couldn’t breathe, the depression and anxiety flipped and flopped back and forth. Loud noises became extremely sensitive on my body as much mentally. I found that grounding and mindfulness were the top of the coping skills list for me. I began seeing the world again going to the park hitting the hiking trails exploring nature. Nature is my therapy. Then in time music filled me up again as it once did. Music and nature, by far the best grounding techniques. It came to be that my heart was returning getting placed right back where it belonged. In my body. The pieces were broken just to find a way to be placed together. It’s much like a puzzle, knowing where the pieces go and which pieces to be replaced. After a couple months went by I knew where my place was and that was in fact volunteer work. Getting involved with Stark Parks of Stark County Ohio joy was happening. Being around children brought me joy, seeing the animals and those who fill up our outside world, joy too. There were parts of me returning yet a lot me still missing. I couldn’t place it. Someone helped me find it. “You deserve happiness Shellie”, he said to me. “I feel you’re pain”, he said. “Talk to me, tell me what’s in you’re heart”. I did and remain to. I was afraid, scared in fact to trust him as I no longer could trust anyone. I knew who I could trust and turn to. He gave me considerable time yet at the same time he made me feel at peace. I had several broken pieces to repair and much of it I did on my own yet still had him by my side on the bad days I had. He knew, he just did. I needed someone to listen and understand my situation. Not all bad happens, there is good and it brought me happiness. The spark was only hiding. I had it all along, I just didn’t know it. I developed joy within me and the happiness was an added bonus. Through it all and even still do he’s always there when I need him. He motivates me, encourages, supports me in all that I do, and he knows me more than myself at times. hahaha….
People come and go in our lives, the moment someone good and wonderful comes along you’re scared, afraid because of the abuse you’ve lived, living in fear not knowing where you’re place is. Letting someone back in too soon will only cause much more pain to confusion, to keeping you from the self worth, self love and self compassion you need for yourself. Take the time for you and you only even when you want to help others along the way. You are important. Regardless of several coping skills and techniques yet not having it will take much much longer to survive to moving forward. There’s a reason for each passing season. As women we carry a heavy load, burdens and responsibilities. We are worth to have joy and happiness from living with abuse we once had or maybe currently in. It’s finding the new you in the process. It took more than a year for me to find it, there are days that I don’t feel happy though. When the happy times happen I enjoy it.
Women are worth so much and we deserve love, joy and happiness in our lives even when the heart is placed back into the body, otherwise the body is only living on borrowed time. We need each other to encourage, support and motivate whether you have a man in you’re life or not. We all find our place.