The biggest challenge I faced was to officially come out of hiding. The fear was immensely debilitating to me and it consumed my life. All behind the smile I was extremely lost living in a dark place not knowing myself, my self-esteem was gone. I was angered, confused and brutally attacked emotionally. My mental well being completely stretched, out of sync and worn out all while every bit of me was trying to heal. It came in waves. The waves were rocky and unsettling, and to say they were smooth would be a lie. It wasn’t always smooth sailing.
I’m saying it like it is, and where I am now isn’t where I was before, on the yo-yo affect which I hated terribly. It’s time for me now finding the real me through all the baggage I carried, yet still do through my recovery.
I blamed and shamed myself for over two years, carried a ton of guilt for what I was involved with to also the relationship in which was good from the beginning. It wasn’t after all just a ploy, a game and a sham. He screwed with my mental and emotional instability that which led to incredible physical attacks on my body all due to the mental and emotional abuse. I’m now at the point in wanting to forgive him yet having a difficult time to. I’m learning to forgive myself first and to love me again.
I’m ready to move on although the pain, hurt and betrayal still has a hold on me. The insomnia, memories and at times some flashbacks come on. Of all the coping skills I’ve taken with me from all four separate times in group therapy and counseling sessions has done me good. I’m applying them daily when any of these occur. The tensity I carry on myself remains to be a challenge, so I’m continuing to be kinder on me.
Most definitely on my way recovering in which I’m finding happiness and some sort of closure. Having complete closure though is taking considerable time. I’m ready for what’s to come and to discuss my recovery with other’s to implement change and guidance. The times I talk in discussion groups has made all the difference. I’m never alone.
I’m linking back to a much earlier blog post that which ties into this blog