In the spring of 2017 during a 6 week course of group therapy, counseling, one on one with a psychologist and therapist was diagnosed with high functioning anxiety as to massive to major depression. To begin with it was someone who kept me from speaking up and openly about him. At the time he knew of my medical condition I believed him, confided and even loved him dearly, as unconditionally as I was to him. I remained silent as he would tell me not say anything, talk about him in counseling and groups. I kept my promise and did just that not knowing he was a narcissist. His charm, sincerity, control, sweet talk and demands I took in stride as I loved him, to remain faithful to him when really he didn’t truly love, care or worry though acted as he did checking up on me often or not at all for that matter. I continued sending packages out for him, remained in contact and normal errands. As much as I was away from social media my soul was truly lost. I lived in a dark world, and it was dark at times. I made considerable progress through counseling and therapy. After those six weeks all was good at least I thought anyway.
There were days we talked endlessly, at one point we talked directly by phone however he didn’t want me to hear his real voice. It was a disguised phone. Talking about such things from family to more intimate matters. I’m not talking of this nature, although at some point I will. We wanted the same things, wanted to be together. Each time though he talked his way around it creating excuses and stories such as he was robbed, mugged at gun point fearing for his life. I felt sorry for him, I worried. What a hoax. At one point the biggest story of all telling me he feared someone or many were brainwashing me to thinking I was no good for him. He didn’t want us being torn apart. The one who brainwashed me was him to which led me to relapse at least two other separate times. Again, I didn’t come out much about him. I did though and told him straight up I was. He demanded, controlled me to not say anything more. I needed to, for. The more I internalized my emotions, thoughts and feelings my behavior was erratic at times and to fluctuate causing physical illness. The more I internalized the worse it would get.
Ah yes! the breaking point when in doubt created the story he was to commit suicide coming up with the plan to write out the note/ message, have it announced coming out to the public since he’s a public figure (online imposter actually posing, stealing the identity of a musician songwriter) before hanging himself. It was all a hoax, only a story to make me feel sorry for him, to crawl right back to him, into his lies and deception. Once I cut off all contact much more was waiting in the wings. Phone calls and several of them a day to text messages, many of the calls were coming through other lines never answering any of them. I began to self doubt myself as to why I was even involved with him. A fool, stupid, blame and shame all overcame me to the point of severe suicidal thoughts. I didn’t act it out, I had intent of the plans. The fear was much more for me to even bare. “Would I ever find love, asking myself. Will anyone want to ever be with me? Am I good enough?” All these questions hanging in the balance, my confidence cracked, broken into a million little pieces.
Before it was all said and done I needed to look further into myself to find the courage to break free from the chains. Hard as steel, rusty yet never broke, hence forth the recurring dream to return after a year and half of them, soon after leading to nightmares that would awaken me with fear and panic. I fought with myself often to keep from having them. Wide awake through the night and slept, isolated during the day long after my third time through counseling and therapy. It was the hospitalization that led me to fully break the chains to speak the truth. The fear of coming out became exhausting, it drained me physically through the fourth and final time through counseling and therapy. It was all over with or would it be.
I found my way through the mud that which kept me down, stuck and unsure where I’m truly meant to be in this world. Ah yes! The lotus, it appeared to bloom as I was indeed to bloom.
Finding the way to write again where my passion lays to being one with nature and all of God’s creation. Nature is my real therapy.
Going through the cycle, back and forth is called the yo-yo affect. Depression, high anxiety and PTSD are unbalanced among the core central of the brain and body. One’s body has limitations as it can only handle so much. My body was doing just that. There wasn’t any peace and very little relaxation. Stress and every day pressures took a toll on me to say the least. FINALLY! Trauma counseling and it sure is working. Breaking the silence was by far the best decision I made, and now all is getting exposed. I’m far from where I need be, want for me. I’m getting there.