The most difficult time of my life was in fact 2018, as much as the year before. To say those days are behind me, well the truth is it remains to haunt me at times and at the least unexpected times at that. Frankly I don’t want to remember. I have the what if’s floating around. What if I could just turn back time? What if I did things differently? What if I could just stop beating myself up? What if I could end it all? Would it make it any better. I didn’t ask for it to happen. It happened. The man who stole my life away from me knew exactly what he was doing to manipulate, brainwash, gain my trust and steal the most precious of all, my soul. For half of 2018 I spent my time either in counseling, group therapy, hospitalization, surgery, physical therapy to immediate family private matters. It all piled up. I came to the point of emotionally and mentally baring myself, letting it all out in the open. It was the most life changing event to officially bring it all to the surface. I never in my life use the word victim. I was in fact a victim of stolen identity. The trauma, the agonizing pain that led me through extremely dark days. The days were long and tiring to say the least. Giving up would be the easy way out in which I wanted to. It was of a higher calling guiding me through those days. After it was all said and done and surprisingly enough someone came along. The very real person who’s identity was stolen who’s been targeted several times since he burst into the country music scene more than 6 years ago. Kip Moore songwriter, musician, entertainer has been approached countlessly from women who have in fact have had been involved with imposters, perpatrators. However my experience is far different than most, although I have been told some women gave up their lives and homes.
What I know, the reality of mental and emotional abuse. The diagnosis. High functioning anxiety and massive depression disorder. I’m treated for PTSD have yet of a diagnosis.
Reflecting on this brings upon me complete vivid memories to the point of crying spells, and I don’t know when they come up either. The mind has a way to bring upon those memories as if they want to stick around and fester. It’s not so much fun.
By far I’ve come to real life therapy and it’s not what you think. It isn’t counseling, group therapy sessions or one on one with a psychologist. It’s far more than that. Nature, what God created in which surrounds us. Peace and grounding come from surrounding yourself with outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, water sports to other activities in the outdoors. For me it is hitting the trails. Walking, breathing, listening to the sounds of nature. Nature is the best source of therapy. I’ve become one with nature and what a marvelous feeling it is.
The last half of 2018 found me discovering a whole new me, a free spirited me I never knew existed. Visiting various park locations, exploring new and exciting activities. What came from it, a deeper meaning, a spiritual awakening and fulfilling my life’s bucket list.
Healing along my recovery hasn’t been easy nor has it been a fast recovery. It is time and patience with myself, listening to my inner self. What I need and want. It sounds selfish of me to think that way as I always put others first of my own needs. Working on this, well it’s a struggle. I find myself quite often under an amount of stress and it leads to physical aches and pains. I’ll keep on keeping on to work better on myself altogether.
These reflections have brought me to now.
I’m linking back to the first blog to give everyone insights on how this all began, speaking out on Identity theft as what led me to fully open up.