The healing process, well, it can take years it isn’t what happens quickly let alone over night. There’s no known cure, what I hear though it’s possible to heal with coping skills, various techniques such as meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, time in nature, weight loss as to other ways to cope the best you can. I’ve read though from other mental health bloggers and licensed professionals meditation and yoga aren’t helpful coping skills. I beg to differ as Tai Chi and meditation both have been a god send throughout my own healing and recovery. What works for me may not for others which everyone has different ways to cope. You’re broken self is learning to heal in it’s own way. Some of my fellow PTSD warriors whom I’ve talked with continue to live and cope the best they can, and let me just say it’s difficult. There are days you’ll feel as if you’re on top of the world and days you feel as if you want to simply give up, throw in the towel, want to sleep and isolate yourself, have thoughts of suicide, feel unworthy and not loved, let alone love yourself. Blaming yourself for the trauma. The pieces are all torn apart and your trying to put them back together again. Again, nope! Your never the same.
Throughout the 2 year period I was involved in with someone, his narcissistic attitude and personality reflected on me mentally and emotional which made me physically ill, so ill I found myself in rehab, group counseling and therapy to soon one on one’s with a psychologist. I honestly didn’t think and know what was wrong with me until after my diagnosis of high functioning anxiety and massive depression. It later on led to PTSD treatments through extensive therapy. It was hair pulling on my part yet at the same time I learned a great deal of accepting reality. What a wake up call! The fact is though I remain to have continued flashbacks, memories and distortion, and there are days I don’t want to live. I’m pressing on as there’s a divine purpose in my life and a great purpose. My great purpose is being a voice for someone who may not be able to come out and talk about their own experiences, and here I am talking about it. I remain on medication for the high anxiety and depression as well as medication for the PTSD. I didn’t ask for this to happen, it happened and I do blame myself for it. My confidence isn’t where it was before. I’m less confident in myself and my self-esteem is quite out of wack. I don’t look attractive and I feel it as well. I’ve always known I was different and have accepted it years ago. I’m not the most attractive, I have acne, scars and bruises in places from surgeries through the years. There are the inner scars I try to erase, at times I’ll scrub my hands or body so hard it leaves a red mark. I never thought of it as self-harm, it was of something I learned the countless times I spent in therapy and counseling. I’m well over weight not of average size or shape. There are days I don’t look in the mirror in which I always did long before the involvement. Why did I do this to myself? Was I blinded, did I look for attention and companionship? Why? I seem to continue to ask myself these questions yet never receive any answers. I walk in shame a lot and believe I’ll remain single for the remaining years of my life, lonely and unwanted.
PTSD has consumed me to the point of having panic attacks out of nowhere, shortness of breath and distortion. Some days are worse than others. I force myself not to have an episode.
Now just let me say I’m beginning to heal, it has come in the form of someone flesh and bone who believes in me, supportive, cares for my well being, and has become highly influential in my writing career. I actually didn’t see it coming either, it was a complete surprise at a quite difficult time none of the less. I say his friendship gave me complete hope yet at the same time I was actually doing the work, working on myself inwardly as much as myself on the outside. I wasn’t tying myself down, beating myself up. I was surrounding myself with nature, taking walks in parks with plenty of trails to explore the outdoors. It led me to volunteering with natural preserve. It has become so truly rewarding. Tai Chi keeps me balanced when stress arises as I’ll find myself at times to just stop and breathe. The relaxing affect will put me in full mediation. This may not work for everyone. It has for me and what a difference it has made. I have found my love of crafting again and will emerce myself into projects. It keeps me from racing, ruminative thoughts. ( Note! music has a great affect to keep my mind at peace.) By far, it’s praying and attending church to Bible studies that in which has enriched my soul whereas it was so very lost for far too long. My great purpose has been living on faith and trusting God to continue leading me to a full recovery.
Recovery is coming along, it is the healing that becomes before. There’s no time frame and I know of this now. It’s taking me on a long road. I know where I belong in this world and to remind myself to take better care of my mental health, and to be the continuing voice for others who live just as I do.
Life is worth living for regardless what form of mental illness you live with. We are warriors!